Defining our open marriage
We are not swingers. We do not go to clubs or sleep with strangers.
Instead we acknowledge that we are both highly sexual people and have given each other the freedom to explore and enjoy sexual attractions we develop for other people. In every instance these attractions have stemmed from close friendships with people we truly feel a bond with.
But, at the end of the day, our marriage is the primary relationship. I am his and he is mine. We may share each other’s bodies, time, and experiences with their secondary relationships but that does not negate or detract from our connection with each other.
We are happy together, even more so because of the mutual trust and open communication a relationship like this creates. Our sex life is amazing and only continues to get better as we experience new things. So don’t mistake our being sexually attracted to others to mean we aren’t happy or sexually satisfied with each other. In fact, some of the most intense sex has happened after one of us has returned from a romp with our secondary – both from reclaiming what is ours and because the images playing through our minds of what they just did together are so damn hawt.
There are no secrets, nothing we keep from each other. We know when, how many times, where, and how good or not so good the experience was. While we may not always like what we hear, it always ends up okay because we know nothing is being hidden.
We have rules, very few, but rules that are important to us. We find ourselves trying to make more rules when we start to get insecure, but because we are so open and honest with each other we usually work out the ones that are just moments of panic and keep the restraints to a minimum.
I’m not leaving him and he’s not leaving me. No one will ever replace his place in my heart and no one will ever know, understand, and love him in spite of himself more than I do. Sometimes we feel the need to mark our territory, to pee on our tree, but it really isn’t necessary because those vows we spoke, the rings we exchanged, and the years and years of experiences we have shared have welded our hearts together for life.
So, tonight, I exhale and relax and sleep soundly knowing all is right in the world with my love beside me, until death do us part.
Kids these days
Last night I was reminded just how different I, as a Capricorn, am from my BFF, a Leo. And I kinda wanted to smack her for a little bit until I had a moment to stop and rationalize the conversation.
A little back story – CD has played on a recreational soccer team for 6 seasons now and really, truly shows a natural ability and affinity for the sport. There are about 4 other boys who are truly into the sport and take practice and games very seriously. Coach likes these kids – he was a defenseman in his younger days and is really passionate about the sport.
And then we have another handful of kids who make me want to punch their mothers for not using birth control. These kids show up to practice occasionally, fiddle-fart around instead of listening to Coach, play grab-ass in line for drills, dance around, throw grass, etc. The list is endless. And where are their parents? IN THEIR FUCKING CARS OR NOT EVEN THERE.
They treat practice and games like free babysitting and show NO desire to be involved in any way. So, while their children are fucking off, causing Coach to have to stop practice and get on them to pay attention, MY kid is losing out on valuable instruction and experience. We love Coach, he has taught CD so much, but I don’t really want this to be his experience every season. I would like for him to have the opportunity to hone and refine his skills and be able to try out for a competitive league in the future if he wants to.
But, if he DOES try out I don’t want him to be laughed off the field for his skills because these little shits are causing problems and hindering his development. So what do I do? Switch to a more prestigious (read expensive) league where the parents and kiddos may take it more seriously? Attach electrodes to the fuck-tards and zap them every time they start fooling around? I am SO torn right now.
So, anyways, back to my original point. Cat invited his brother and mom to come to practice. The BFF came with the BIL and as we were sitting chatting a bit I started to rant to her about it – forgetting I am the dark and twisty one and she is all sunshine and butterflies. She tried to counter with some BS about maybe they aren’t in soccer to eventually play at a higher level, maybe their parents put them in to learn teamwork and sportsmanship. And I wanted to shake her. *Note to self, find out how long and hard you can shake an adult before their brain comes loose and starts rattling around in their head*
I am not discounting the teamwork and sportsmanship, I absolutely believe they are some of the most important skills our kids can learn. BUT these kids fucking off is HURTING teamwork and sportsmanship because the kids who DO pay attention and try their hardest during games are still getting their asses kicked and it depresses them.
I blame our current society. This BS about every kid gets a fucking trophy and a lollipop is crap. Yes, when they are 4-7 I get it because for those kids soccer is more amoeba-ball than anything else. But at 8-9 shit starts to click with kids and positions and techniques make sense finally. And I watch the focused boys getting frustrated with the fuck-tards during practices and games and I feel for them. They want to be successful and use all the knowledge they’ve spent 3-4 years collecting. How is this mamby-pamby version of parenting helping my kid?
Okay, end rant. I welcome your suggestions or thoughts – am I totally off base here thanks to being all dark and twisty?
Appearances DO matter
It is very difficult to fully portray the depth and complexities of being in an open marriage – whether by blog or in person. I am learning it the hard way now and wondering how to best explain and describe it.
First, to the reader it may come across as odd that I profess my undying love to my husband, yet until recently didn’t write about him much. I chalk that up to several factors. One, for a while there we were very static. Very much devoted to and in love with each other, but those twitterpated feelings that prompt gushy posts and poems were long gone.
Also? I had moments where the open marriage thing was difficult for me. I like the option of having a secondary relationship yet fought jealousy when he was with his secondary. I didn’t want to post those moments because it was contradictory to the song I was singing about the amazing benefits of being in an open marriage. I still fight jealousy and insecurities, but I wouldn’t change our relationship for anything.
I also never thought about the potential repercussions for the secondaries we are/were involved with. To us it is a friends-with-benefits (FWB) relationship, not a boyfriend-girlfriend (or a girlfriend-girlfriend) relationship. Once the benefits end I shut off that part of my brain when it comes to that person and it really, honestly, truly is just a friendship. But, I can see how someone who gets into a true intimate relationship would have a hard time explaining our past relationship to their new partner. Especially when someone who falls in love with my FWB and cannot fathom someone having been with him/her before and not felt those same feelings.
The answer? I don’t have room for those feelings because my feelings for Cat take up the entire LustyLove room. I have plenty of space in the JustLust room and in the LoveFriends room, but I only love and lust after one person – Cat. Even when I was intimate with others I always looked forward to going home to him, to sleeping wrapped in his strong, powerful arms.
So, yes, it is absolutely a “have my cake and eat it too” mentality – but I don’t see it as a bad thing. As long as we are being open, honest, and candid with each other it works. I trust him when he says his heart belongs to me and only me and I hope he believes me when I say the same to him.
Just Write {29}
I love his smell. It’s Eternity by CK, but no one else smells as amazing as he does when wearing it.
Every morning, before he leaves for work, he sprays himself with his cologne then crawls into bed with me, snuggling me close. It is THE most amazing thing to wake to and I cannot help but smile and sigh contentedly. When he kisses me and then climbs out of bed I snuggle down into the covers that now smell like him and drift off to sleep for another hour.
Last night I noticed the top of the sheet on my side of the bed still smelled like him and so I took deep, long drags off it, filling my nose and heart with his smell. He was right there next to me, and I’ve never felt so safe, content, and secure.
I told him if anything ever happened and he wasn’t there to give me his smell from his warm, loving arms that I would probably douse every piece of furniture in his smell… I need his smell like I need food and water. It is home, love, future, past, present, and security squeezed into a 3.4oz bottle.
Change
“To exist is to change; to change is to mature; to mature is to create oneself endlessly.” (Henri Bergson)
Cat and I had a discussion last night that honestly shook me. I was, and still am, in a state of… well… I don’t know. I feel lost and unsettled and unsure – which I hate. I left my phone at home and disappeared to Target for about an hour where I wandered around, lost. I ended up buying a little Buddha water fountain thing for my nightstand, 2 different kinds of relaxing bath salts, a new shirt, and gum. Oh, and socks for Cat and underwear for CD.
Shopping is my therapy, which is no surprise to anyone who knows me. And while I wandered around I came to a few realizations.
First, Cat is very different from the man I married almost 10 years ago. He used to be an introvert who preferred to stay home instead of going out. Meeting new people stressed him out to the max and so he was never really a ladies man. Because of this we limited our social excursions and have spent the majority of our time together.
For me this was really, really difficult because I cherish my alone time so, so very much. I was ecstatic when he would go play golf with his dad or brother, encouraged boy trips to Burg, anything to give me a few hours to just do my own thing. But, because I love him, I adjusted and learned to deal with a major decrease in ME time.
As he’s aged and matured he has really grown more comfortable in his own skin. He finally believes he is a handsome man who has interesting and funny things to say – something I’ve been telling him since I was 19. And apparently he now feels like I am smothering him.
And maybe that was a poor choice of words… but I understand where he is coming from. At the moment it felt like a slap in the face and I was indignant (internally at least) at the implication that I was the one who started all of this.
But, during my Target wanderings, I realized it is natural and normal for him to be feeling this way. He has years of seclusion to make up for and I can’t hold that against him.
Now it is time for me to find ME again, to carve out time every day for myself and start the next chapter of our lives and marriage in the right way. We need to be each other’s home base, safety net, etc, but we also deserve to have lives outside of this little bubble we’ve created. It will be healthier for both of us and certainly for CD.
It won’t be easy, but the things that are worth it are never simple. Change is good, like the quote above, creating oneself endlessly is why we exist. None of us should be stuck in a static frame of mind, it’s where we go crazy.
